BOOTS the boot monkey

boot_monkey @ 2006-06-12T16:48:00

2006-06-12T20:58:17Z

i am back from JAPAN! "lick my boots: unofficial unauthorized uncensored and totally nude nude nude" premiere was a SMASH! it was so exciting! we playe a whole 3 dates. and then we were closed for obscenity. they asked me if i wanted to change the show but i said NO I WANT TO MAINTAIN MY ARTISTIC INTEGRITY. so i zipped up my assless chaps and high heels and left.

but it's so exciting!!

we are making our next stop in GERMANY, where we are playing a double bill with CABARET with none other but SCOTT BAIO in the lead of sally bowles!! HOT

i need a myspace.

boot_monkey @ 2005-12-29T12:07:00

2005-12-29T17:09:31Z

it's all about me. deal with it.

Who's Your Happy Bunny?
brought to you by Quizilla

boot_monkey @ 2005-12-13T15:50:00

2005-12-13T20:50:52Z

re: meme

genevieve
i like you because you have kick-ass boots. they are shiny.

michael
i like you because you have excellent taste in fucked up soda. they, too, are shiny, but also good to cut with coke. uh, a-cola. right.

boot_monkey @ 2005-12-05T14:29:00

2005-12-05T19:29:20Z

yoinked, beaten, and strangled from mostlybent::::

Reply to this post with your name, and I'll tell you one or a lot of reason[s] why I like/love/adore you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.

boot_monkey @ 2005-11-29T14:20:00

2005-11-29T19:22:28Z

<td align="center" style="background: #000000; color: #FFFFFF;">Boots's Random Movie Quote:

'Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on?'

- Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

boot_monkey @ 2005-09-26T12:17:00

2005-09-26T16:17:39Z

Crooked letter T O
Humpback what's that?
Bet I got cha wonderin' how I shake my feather that fast
Follow me baby follow me
I'll take you to the corner - I'm Dora the Explorer
You can be my monkey Boots
Let me teach you something new
You won't forget
No you won't forget
-- Kaci Brown, "Body Language"

no, that's really a real song... it's kinda... uh... i'd like to say flattering. it has this strange implication of sex between dora and myself. which is... strangely... mortifying.

boot_monkey @ 2005-08-20T20:08:00

2005-08-21T00:08:11Z

List 10 Fictional Characters you'd like to have sex with, then tag five people.
tagged by drownedmagenta

1. Betty Rubble.
c'mon, you wouldn't tap that? rarr.

2. Minnie Mouse
i know, i'm old-fashioned... it's funny, though, because she simply gets better with age. because she's such a doting, unneccesary appendage to Mickey and most people would argue that she's like a housewife from the 50's: the pearls, the dress in any cicumstance... she's just so removed from today. and that's hott.

3. Petunia Pig.
soo-weee, sooo--seee!

4. Jessica Rabbit
can we forget the classics?

5. Roger Rabbit
i know... unconventional... but i could get into that.

6. Eddie Valiant
some people think i have problems.

7. Marge Simpson
mrs. simpson, you're trying to seduce me. i don't always go for the older woman crowd, but hoo boy.

8. Buffy
i want her hair. it's so shiny.

9. timon
i'm not really bisexual. i just like furry men that can make me laugh. like robin williams. except... no.

10. Hilary Duff
i know-- technically 'real.' would anyone argue that though?

tagging: r2d2, satan, joan rivers, spongebob, and eminem

boot_monkey @ 2005-05-21T22:37:00

2005-05-22T02:40:16Z

From cnn.com--
Lohan on thinness

NEW YORK (AP) -- Recent photos show Lindsay Lohan looking startlingly thin. The 18-year-old actress attributes her slimmer figure to a new exercise regimen. "I'm working out. I just got a trainer," she tells People magazine in its upcoming issue. Pilates? Yoga? "No, none of that stuff, though I'd like to try it sometime. Just old-school working out," said Lohan, who stars in the new movie "Herbie: Fully Loaded," which opens next month.

I, for one, am glad to see "cocaine" once again being called "old-school working out."

I'm so far behind on the slang, but this is awfully familiar to me.

boot_monkey @ 2005-04-23T18:46:00

2005-04-23T22:46:55Z

ok, so i wasn't going to say anything. but cookie monster fucking sold out. this new "cookie is a sometimes food" is about as believable as dora singing "hooking on santa monica blvd. is a holiday-only thing."

he's a monster. i remember when cuba gooding jr. (the immortal) spoke those words to jerry maguire, "i am not an entertainer!" he was an athelete. likewise, cookie is a monster. not an entertainer. his eating disorder is no more interesting than madonna's kabablahlabbah faith.

we have private lives. let us gorge if we fucking want to.

now, if you'll excuse me, i have a parole hearing. seems the "the man" wants to tell what i can and cannot inject.

boot_monkey @ 2005-03-16T18:26:00

2005-03-16T23:26:06Z

Larryv: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=19255&item=5565955937&rd=1
Boots: !!!!
Boots: I... don't have $560...
Larryv: me neither
Larryv: but clearly you need it

No Boot Monkey was harmed in the making of that costume. I'm actually much thinner.

boot_monkey @ 2005-03-08T14:35:00

2005-03-08T19:35:35Z

http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Easel/4942/03.htm

this is disturbing. mick's got some secrets i never did knew.

boot_monkey @ 2005-03-01T11:36:00

2005-03-01T16:34:08Z

those fucking muppets get all the good spots.

boot_monkey @ 2004-11-29T00:41:00

2004-11-29T05:40:56Z


dora the explorer is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

things lie.

boot_monkey @ 2004-10-11T17:39:00

2004-10-11T21:39:04Z

DONALD DUCK IS A NAZI

boot_monkey @ 2004-10-06T11:45:00

2004-10-06T15:45:10Z

oh my god my head... i never want to be unconscious in the trunk of a 1986 pinto ever again.

boot_monkey @ 2004-05-16T17:49:00

2004-05-16T21:49:06Z

alright. so i know that i just disappeared randomly.

since "dora" was in repeats, I took a lot of time off and stuck myself in a dank hole with a pen and a paper to write the brilliant piece of literature that i have just completed.

it is: "lick my Boots: the binges and purges of the boot monkey."

I've decided to keep the working title. I think it's fitting. Plus I use the name as the act 2 opener.

so, I had to compose it entirely by myself with a spoon and a xylophone, 'cause no one was returning my call. I tried. they're all a bunch of bitter fuckers. and what can i say; they do good work. but, they were busy.

so it's all about me.

act 1
1 nobody mourns the monkey
2 hell hath no furry
3 growing up stupid
4 banana in my pocket
5 make you a star (the orgy scene)
6 don't cry for me, camp pewchia
7 monkey's lament
8 bittersweet charity
9 into the goods
10 addicted to glove
12 born to hand job (the audition) [act 1 finale]
act 2
1 lick my boots!
2 seasons of blow
3 square into a hole (spongebob's lament)
4 calista flockhart
5 why aren't you fucking dancing? (the pop hit)
6 but officer, i thought that cop was a hooker
7 no one mourns the monkey (reprise)
8 'cause dora is a slut
9 the monkey from oz [finale]

I'm soooooo happy!

boot_monkey @ 2004-03-23T00:00:00

2004-03-23T05:02:03Z

they found Dora passed out on the second L of the Hollwyood sign.

she'll be fine.

of course.

boot_monkey @ 2004-03-10T22:39:00

2004-03-11T03:39:27Z

I was having lots of writer's block over the last several weeks... I tried over and over again to come up with ideas... but nothing - nothing was working!

all I ended up getting was really wired from my burbon coffee milkshakes and somehow woke up to a bloddy noseprint on the wall. I think I was running.

I've got most of it down though... neglective parents... insipid starlet hussy co-star. I'm thinking of titles mostly now. just to help me focus.

"lick my Boots: the binges and purges of the boot monkey." that's the current title. other post-it notes have:

- monkey mia (hommage is too much?)
- blow monkey (I was going for double on-tahn-drey... or tripple, if you think about it)
- the incredibly true story of Boots' rise to fame and crumbling fall from the brink of stardom (too obvious)
- you all suck (I was feeling bitter)
- Boots gone wild (still in consideration)
- bananas and snuff (apparently this is already a Tom Hanks movie)
- podj09 3j90 9m ASS 33 33321 2oppp (I was drunk)
- m,ofp, frt04 (but I wasn't drunk for this one...)
- xanadu 2 (I didn't even tell anyone else this and Robert Greenwald still called me to say he'd sue; maybe he's just randomly calling people.)

yeah, most of act 1 is fleshed out. I have some great numbers! well, most of them are still just demos of me banging maracas (shake-a shake-a shake-a) on the floor and screeching. but there will be words to that music any day now... I'm still looking for a producer, but once I'm finished, I'm sure they'll be knocking down the door. producers, not FBI agents.

whee!

[in other news: Dora is still on the air, and I'm still shooting episodes, but I haven't seen Dora at all since Jaunary. they're using her stunt double, Lora, a lot... the studio has checked all the motel rooms... no heroin overdose yet, but I'm still optimistic.

that they'll find her... of course...]

boot_monkey @ 2004-02-06T04:51:00

2004-02-06T09:51:50Z

so, I was on the phone with my dear friend Alan Cumming. he kept saying he had to go and something about how he thought that he made it clear his manager not give out this particular number to me, but no matter. it was a nice thirty second chat all the same.

I asked him for advice on my new upcoming musical... whether I should go for the really sappy drama or spice it up all comedy-style. he suggested a realistic death scene.

he has some great ideas! what vision! what talent! what ass!

boot_monkey @ 2004-02-02T18:08:00

2004-02-02T23:06:15Z

I have begun the lyrical process. I don't know how to write music, so I've called for help.

I've called Elton John...
and Andrew Lloyd Weber...
and Stephen Shwartz...
and Alan Menken...
and Stephen Sondheim...
and Mel Brooks...
and Mark Hollmann...
and Richard Hartley...
and John Waters...
and Alain Boublil...
and ABBA...
and Boy George...

they're not returning my calls. Elton John's publicist told me that ever since I bailed on that Aida concept album and they had to go with Shania Twain, he's been mad at me...

well, excuse me for being in rehab! geez, it's as if I injected the heroin into him!

in any case, BOOT MONKEY: the musical [the working title; I think it needs more GLAM] is in it's first steps. I've got a few ideas... and some cool lyrics... the book is what's going to be hard.

but this is fun!

FUN!

BOOTS!

and all that jazz!

boot_monkey @ 2004-01-16T16:16:00

2004-01-16T21:16:50Z

so, I decided that I want to take on Broadway. you can blame the new year for this. Nick threw this big studio party, and lots of people were there, trading rehab stories, and someone (I think Howie Mandel) mentioned how he wanted to be in a musical, but he couldn't get the work because he wasn't talented.

so, I thought: well, where can someone go to be in a musical when they aren't talented? why, Broadway of course.

but I kept this info to myself; I don't want just anyone trying to pop this musical gig into their careers... I want it... if Boy George can suck up Broadway, so can I.

so, I called my lawyers, and I get nothing... I explain to their answering machine that I have this idea for writing this big scale musical and being the lead... about my brave struggle with addictions, Dora the Whora, my troubled youth, that visit to Neverland Ranch, and my countless affairs, etc. I wanna Fosse it the fuck up.

so, I'm waiting. I'm hoping it works out. I have all these great ideas. Broadway! me!

24601!

boot_monkey @ 2003-12-24T14:45:00

2003-12-24T19:46:50Z

goldfish taste a lot like gummiworms.

boot_monkey @ 2003-12-18T12:48:00

2003-12-18T17:50:26Z

so, I was reading some of my usual, daily slash. you know me and my elves.

I came across some unnecessary pairings between myself and Dora, and myself and Swiper.

it was all very disturbing.

what's wrong with you people?!

however, some of them are disarmingly accurate with technique...

boot_monkey @ 2003-10-30T19:12:00

2003-10-31T00:15:24Z

yar!

I'm a pirate!

yar!

[for Halloween].

yar!

boot_monkey @ 2003-10-27T05:12:00

2003-10-27T10:16:00Z

I went back to work today.

while I was away, they showed reruns. luckily no one noticed. it was same counting thing as always. we were looking for ice cream. I do not know why we were finding non-melting ice cream cones behind bushes in the middle of nowhere... or why we chose to eat them anyway.

my head is absolute mess.

they let Gregory - who I have never met, talked to, or slept with on any occassion - go. good kid.

I'm assuming... the, uh, news coverage made him out to be great fuck.

great guy!

out to be a great guy...

yeah.